Some relationships soar, and others crash and burn. Caught in the struggle of trying to navigate through love’s often undulating and unpredictable nature, the strongest bonds persevere while the weak fall off. Sometimes you realize you’re with someone who doesn’t appreciate you, or they realize you don’t appreciate them. That’s the moment your mind starts to have a conversation with your heart as they debate the pros and cons of staying in that relationship. The things that are petty and negotiable are crossed off, but what remains are the non-negotiable; those things that should never be compromised in a relationship. These tend to be those things that make you realize that maybe the person you’re with doesn’t deserve you, or you don’t deserve what they put you through.
Sometimes it’s hard to know what things you should let slide in a relationship and what things you shouldn’t. So to help you, I created a list of the Big 5 non-negotiables based on my own feelings, conversations with friends, and plain common sense.
Reason #1: Physical Abuse
If you’re dating someone that puts their hands on you, then maybe they don’t deserve you. I’ve known people who were trapped in physically abusive relationships. In a world in which one in three women has been beaten or physically assaulted in their lifetime, my guess is, a lot of us may have people in our lives who’ve been abused in relationships and not know it. Most of them stayed in those relationships longer than they should have. Some stayed because they thought it wouldn’t happen again, some stayed because they were ashamed everyone would know, and others stayed because they feared for their safety and the safety of the person that beat them. Regardless, they were all people who stayed a little bit longer than they should. It’s fair to say that men get abused too, although it’s a significantly lower rate than women. But my point doesn’t change, physically abusive relationships are never healthy and never get better. Whether you’re gay, straight, female or male, if you find yourself in one, leave that relationship. Pack while they are not home, run outside while their beating you, call the police—do whatever it takes, but make sure you’re leaving.
Reason #2: Emotional Abuse
If you’re with someone that shatters your self-esteem with smartass comments, putdowns, and hurtful jabs, then maybe you deserve better. Not many people understand that insults and humiliation are a form of abuse. It may not leave you with black eyes and bruised arms, but it’s just as harmful and detrimental to your well-being. Abusers, whether they do it physically and verbally, do it to impose control. This is control you should never give them.
Reason #3: Cheating
If you’re with someone incapable of being faithful and staying true to the expectations that come with being in a monogamous relationship, then maybe you deserve better. It’s hard for a relationship to get back to where it was before someone strayed. Someone that cheats may sincerely regret their actions, but that doesn’t mean they won’t cheat again. And even if they don’t, you’ll never trust them the same and always think that they are. When trust is compromised in a relationship, it’s hard to earn it back or give, especially when it was broken because of infidelity.
Reason #4: With A Bad Person
Sometimes we just date bad people who haven’t necessarily committed the biggest no-no’s in love. These are people who may not cheat on you or beat you. They may not try to control you or verbally abuse you, but they are not good companions. When it comes to love and your relationship, they are lazy. You’re the one always doing the work—the one always going the extra mile and going out of your way to make them feel special. Everyone sees it. Your friends, your family—sometimes even your companion’s friends and family.
Sometimes these people we are in love with are not doing anything constructive with their lives. You’re not growing together. I don’t mean growth in terms of money or promotions at work, I just mean growth with regards to aspirations and the drive to better themselves in love and life.
The person you’re with doesn’t reciprocate, and to some extent, they don’t have to do the same things you do—all you’re simply asking of them is that they consistently show that they want to be with you and they are happy that they are.
Reason #5: Not Happy
If you’re feeling miserable in your relationship, then maybe they don’t deserve you, or you don’t deserve them. Truth is, sometimes you’re just not happy. You could be with someone incredible, but just not feel like you want to be in that relationship. Whether you’re genuinely not happy because the person you’re with makes you miserable, or you are just too stupid to hold onto a good thing, it’s better to end it than waste the other person’s time. Sometimes when you’re in a relationship you don’t want to be in, you can start treating the other person badly—which can be unfair if they don’t deserve to be treated that way. You start being mean when you shouldn’t be. You start getting annoyed and irritated easily when it’s not really them but you. You start doing things you know would hurt them; things you know would hurt you if you were in their position. Long story short, if you’re not happy and haven’t been for a while, and you’re sure it’s the relationship that’s the issue, do yourself and the person you’re with a favor, end it.
When it comes to love, there are people we let into lives although we know they shouldn’t be in it. Whether we see it on day one, or sometime after, we understand that true happiness is not attainable with them remaining in the picture. That’s the moment we have to make the toughest decisions. The moment we have to set aside those things that blind us from seeing the truth and reality of our relationship and situation.
Sincerely, Kwapi Vengesayi
Kwapi Vengesayi is an Amazon four-time bestselling author and all his books are Available on Amazon.